WHO AM I: MY STORY FOR HIS GLORY
I was far from believing that I was worth more than rubies, until I met Him… Him being my Faithful Lover, Jesus Christ. He began to see the worth in me when I really thought that I had none. As a little girl I had huge dreams: I dreamt of becoming a famous singer who would make a difference in this dark world, I was determined to leave a mark in this life to be remembered for generations to come. I was always a big dreamer… but somehow the picture ended up light years away from those innocent dreams. I was in a lifestyle that consumed me – a filthy gutter filled with regrets, lost dreams and false hope – It seemed like there was no future dream anymore. Every weekend was a party for me. My focus was now on who could drink the most, who could get with the cutest guy at the party, who is the prettiest girl at the party, who has the best dress, and who is buying the next roll of weed. I was in too deep, it felt like it was too late to get out, and I believed that I was worth nothing more in this life.
One evening, while I was at a friend’s house, our same routine of drinks and dancing began. I can barely remember anything of that night except that I almost gave up my virginity to a random man that I didn’t know at all. By the grace of God his mom walked in the room and stopped us. In the days to come she phoned me, continuing to threaten me and trying to get a hold of my parents to tell them what she had almost caught us doing. In my parents’ eyes I was this little angel who could never do anything wrong, and I really didn’t want them to be hurt by my careless actions.
All of my friends from school rejected me because of what happened that evening, even though they were all doing exactly the same thing. I wore a huge cloak of shame for many days after that, and I cried myself to sleep every night for about a week. One evening, as I lay in bed, I couldn’t bear the pain and shame of what I had done anymore. I cried out to God in desperation, and as the tears from my eyes rolled down my cheeks and hit the pillow I whispered, “Lord, if you are real, as I have been learning in my youth group, save me from this and I promise I will live for you!”.
I know that God’s salvation comes without a condition and it is a free gift and that He does not need our promises… but this was the cry of my heart that evening, a desperate plea from the heart of a broken little girl. I awoke the next morning with a new sense of strength and boldness, I was going to take full responsibility for my actions. I phoned the lady who had kept on threatening me – to apologise for what I had done – but all she wanted to do was fight with me. I told her that I would tell my parents what had happened, and that she was welcome to come over and speak to them concerning this, then I hung up. I never heard from her again. I ran directly to my mom, and with my eyes filled with tears I began to tell my mom everything that had happened, and the lifestyle I was leading. She looked up at me, and with a soft, gentle smile she said: “Don’t feel unworthy or think less of yourself, we all make mistakes.” I was expecting an angry, condemning mother, but instead I got words of comfort and love. I realised that this could only have been from God. He saved me and I promised to live for Him every day of my life after that. Every morning since then, I wake up with a sense of hope and purpose in Christ, knowing that He loves me and that I am forgiven. I have made many mistakes since then, but God has always placed people in my life to encourage me and point me back to Himself.
I met Damon at Church and began to attend the same cell group as him. He was very quiet and only spoke a few times, but the times he did speak I admired him. You could just see that he loved God so much and that he was wise with his words. Damon began to give me guitar lessons and I began to fall in love, from there the rest is history. On the 22nd of August 2015 Damon took me on a date for my ‘birthday’. We went on a picnic to this huge rock that was high above the ocean and formed something like a pier going into the sea. As we ate strawberries and chocolate, heart shaped sandwiches, and drank grape juice, Damon pulled out a devotional book as a gift, and do you know what the title of the book was? Yes, you guessed it! YOU are worth more than rubies. He then leaned over and handed me a huge box. The huge box contained a smaller box, rose petals, and a small poem about something he happens to love about me. I opened the smaller box, and yet again it contained rose petals, a poem and a smaller box. About 5 boxes later I read the last two-page letter and Damon pulled out the smallest box and opened it… before I looked at the ring or even allowed him to finish his sentence, tears filled my eyes and I jumped up into his arms and said YES!!! The ring had a purple shiny stone (tanzanite) with two curved pieces of metal going around it, creating a circle around the stone. He said that the two curved pieces of metal represented me and him, and that the stone represented God being the centre of our relationship. An interesting feature about my ring was the purple stone – purple has never been a colour I have liked, but purple in the Bible means royalty. I believe that God was using this event (22nd of August 2015) to show me something – that I am royalty and that I am worth more than rubies – On that day, and ever since, I considered that it was then that my journey had begun towards believing it.
Another pivotal point in my walk with God took place just after I matriculated. I remember it as clear as daylight… I sat at my computer, on Facebook, in my pyjamas, and I heard my gate rattling with vigour. Before I could even get off of my chair, a friend that lived around the corner from me, came running into my house in a complete panic and with tears flowing from her eyes. It took me at least a few minutes before I could understand what she was trying to tell me. I could hardly believe what she said, I found myself in the same state of panic. Without a moment to lose we ran down the road. We approached a huge bus that was standing still. To the right was a large group of people circling something or someone. As we wiggled our way through the crowd and my eyes recognised my best friend laying on the ground with a pool of blood encircled around her head, my world fell apart… She was 18 years old when she passed away. She didn’t even have a matric ball or graduate high school. We had planned our futures together, we were going to study to become air hostesses and travel the world. “What now?” I thought to myself. All my plans were gone in an instant. My world was shattered and I was left with no best friend, and no future… All I had left was God. God comforted me during this time of grieving.
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I had one of two choices: I could be angry and bitter towards God, or I could submit to His plan and know that He can use all things for good. I chose to truly believe the latter. Through my best friend’s death, God gave me purpose in Him and drew me closer to Him. My relationship with God blossomed during this trying time in my life, and God used my best friend’s story for His glory. I came to know my Lover in the deepest, darkest parts of my life. Through my best friend’s death, I realised that life is too short. We have to make each day count and there is something greater than just living to die… there has to be more. I am thankful to God for her life and His faithfulness in saving her about a week before her passing away. These events played a major part in my journey in getting to know Christ more intimately, birthing in me a desire to honour God in every aspect of my life, and becoming the woman of virtue that the scriptures describe.
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​Since then I met and married my husband Damon Kotze on the 22nd of December 2015. He has come along side me, encouraged me, and has continuously pointed me to Christ and my worthiness in Christ, as well as becoming the woman of virtue that God desires for me to be. I am very grateful for his love towards me and his patience with me.
